Monday, December 19, 2011

Au Revoir!

Ten days ago, my lifeclock flipped to the 25-year mark. As is customary, people asked me how it felt. While it didn't feel like a particularly big deal, it did feel different. I was suddenly struck with the need to get really focused and deliberate in my living.

I've already begun shifting much of my attention to the realms of business, facilitation, and publicity. Like the Page in Tarot, I am learning learning learning, but I am also harvesting the active go-get-it energy of the Knight so that I can play BIG & LOUD in 2012.

And as the new year approaches, I am becoming conscious (again) of things that need to be cleared in order to create space for the new seeds I want to grow.

Accordingly, I am hereby retiring/archiving Irigaray's Woman.

This blog has served me - and my readers, too, I hope - very well over the past three years. I am immensely grateful to all who have followed, read, commented on, and shared these word-webs of mine.

I invite you now to visit Lighthouse Nyn, House of Mnemosyne, and 55 windows for the latest in what I'm creating. For a complete list of my online publications, check out my Flavors. Also feel free to follow me on Twitter.

Thanks & Love!

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Adventure Women

Traditionally, women were excluded from adventure and sporting activities. Although things have begun to change in the past 10 years, in many cultures the domain of adventure is still predominantly male. This affects not only individual adventurers, but also the notion of what outdoor adventure is. In the past, adventurers were more commonly male, and the way they went about achieving their goals was seen to be extremely masculine - the great white hunter. It has become increasingly obvious that women can make excellent adventurers, and in recent years there have been many examples of women achieving incredible goals.
I encountered this bit of information recently while working through an online course in Outdoor & Physical Education Studies.

Monday, December 5, 2011

A Little Power Play

The most common way that people give up their power is by thinking they don't have any.
- Alice Walker

POWER - as both concept and lived reality - has a prominent place in my consciousness these days.

It's entangled with social dynamics - power over vs. power with, power of the people, and fighting the powers that be. It's entangled with self-actualization, as with the process of [re]claiming & cultivating personal power. It's entangled with money - "Money is power," which leads to buying power and earning power (though let's not forget the latest buzzword & golden goal of "financial freedom"). It's entangled with morality - "Power corrupts" and so beware of "too much power in the wrong hands." It's entangled with our ever increasing reliance on technology and subsequent sense of debilitation when it suddenly becomes inaccessible, as during a power outage. It's entangled with cars and the allure of the fast lane - horsepower, driving power, power steering, Power Wheels.

Monday, November 14, 2011

My Kung Fu is Better!

I took my first martial arts class this past weekend: Essential Kung Fu at Bo Law. Why? Well, I had spotted a kickass package deal on Bloomspot and couldn't resist. Also, at a deeper level, I recognized this as an opportunity to start strengthening my body and creating some of the structure / rhythm / discipline I've been lacking in my daily life.

Saturday, October 29, 2011

Are you expecting?

Here now the first snow is touching down -- before Halloween. Apparently, this is an anomaly in NYC history.

It's interesting to see the stream of adverse reactions to this turn of meteorological events. Essentially, they boil down to "This is wrong" or "This is bad" -- a common deduction when things go against our expectations.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011


~ ~ ~     
What is so scary about the witness, or about being witnessed?

 Will you accept me?

Why do we need to be accepted by the other?

The Witness may put us in a different Box than the one we have ourselves in. This disrupts our sense of identity -- because identity is a social construct. But if all the Boxes are illusions, then what is REAL? what is TRUE?

Monday, July 4, 2011

Let Freedom Ring

Another July 4th rolls around and America celebrates its independence with barbecues and fireworks. While I glance at our world today and "smh" at what that independence has yielded, I turn my magnifying glass onto the subject of personal freedom.

A second round of the "Five from Fifty" exercise in Margaret Lobenstine's Renaissance Soul revealed personal freedom as one of my top five values. That should be no surprise considering my Sagittarius sun. But since it wasn't on my list the first time, I got to thinking about what freedom actually means to me.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

peacock feathers & magic markers

The soul becomes dyed with the color of its thoughts.
~ Marcus Aurelius

After completing my experimental "spiritual journal" in 2010, I decided to adopt a new journaling method. As mentioned in the final blog entry of that year ("Lights On"), my intention was to replace words with images. Well, I could not abandon words altogether, but I did play with color and imagery for a while. I also allotted each entry a single page so that I could be precise and concise with my expression. Only 8 entries maintained this form before I reverted back to the familiar flow of more mundane recordings in black-and-sometimes-blue pen ink. Those phases were intermediated by a week-long solitary retreat, also with its own series of writings. But these 8 pages captured some important personal truths that continue to lay the groundwork for major magickal happenings in my life this year and beyond, so I'm sharing them here.

Friday, May 13, 2011

Of feeling thanks-full

Love and Gratitude.

I think it’s safe to say that these are the twin towers (or life-giving rivers) of most spiritual systems/practices. Dr. Masaru Emoto’s experiments with water have certainly made a case for them as the most powerful forces for healing and positive transformation. And I’m sure even non-spiritual skeptics out there can agree that the two are at least of some value.

While I’ve contemplated and negotiated love repeatedly throughout more than half the years of my life, only recently have I paused to muse about gratitude…

Thursday, March 31, 2011

Believing is Seeing

Belief is a powerful thing. I've read and heard countless times that it's essential for magick, for self-transformation. That's even more so when belief shifts into knowing. While a 'belief' can be disproved, ignored, ridiculed, abandoned, 'knowledge' holds more weight.

(Yes, it's all perception anyway, but what else is there when it comes to personal experience?)

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Hands in the Water

..She moves
     in waves and spirals and arcs..

Some days ago, I stumbled upon a raccoon in my yard. It was just passing through, moseying along on the fence, apparently in no hurry and without any particular destination. It paused to look at me before descending into the neighbor's yard; I watched as it ambled through and eventually disappeared into the darkness of the night.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

"If you read, you will judge"

I'm a college graduate. I have a Bachelor of Science in Zoology, which tends to make people say "wow." Yeah, I guess it's impressive. But I'm also unemployed right now. It's my third bout of extended unemployment. Which makes people go, "Hmm.. what's her deal? Smart girl like that - why doesn't she have a job?" Even though I'll argue about how "smart" I really am, it's true, I'm not dumb. I'm a good worker, if I'm into it. I have skills. I know some things. So what's going on? Part of me could be lazy, but that's not the whole picture and it wouldn't be a sustainable excuse. I don't just want a J-O-B, another gig, just some thing I'm doing to make money. I need meaning, purpose. But what meaning, what purpose? What am I all about really? I went to that interview at the Institute for Integrative Nutrition and fell apart because I have no cohesive sense of myself. I don't know who I am, or even who I want to be. I'm stuck in this strange place of uncertain-being. Not non-being, because even in the midst of indecision or boredom, there is BEing-ness. But it's an amoeboid being. I don't really have a specific / geometric shape. Like water, I take the shape of whatever container I'm put in. Maybe. Sometimes I contract, I shrivel up in a corner and hope no one notices me. I shrivel up and lose myself. Shriveling up is completely against this desire I have to expand. I don't really *want* to be small, and part of me believes that I'm not, rather that I'm LARGE and just need to claim that reality. But size is not the core issue here. You can be a whole big pile of nothing, or a sack of hot air, or full of shit. This is not what I want, obviously. And, in a way, it's not really about shape either. The issue is substance. SUBSTANCE. What is the substance of me? ...Part of me thinks - and this is a recent realization - that I started to lose my substance, or sight of it anyway, when I stopped journaling about the "mundane." I used to just write about my days and what was going on in my head, regularly, and this was my basis for memory and figuring things out and building upon the STUFF of my own life. My substance was catalogued and preserved with pen & paper. When did I stop? December 2009. And the following year, I decided to keep a "spiritual" journal. Thus did "spirituality" take over my life. And "spirituality" is largely ineffable, though I managed to put a lot of my journey into words. Ah, maybe that isn't it, the root of the problem, though I still think it's involved. Then there's being out of school and back at home - that is, out of my familiar field of success and back in a state of childhood dependence and comfort. I still see myself as a kid, the same kid I've always been, taken care of by Mommy, except now no one is telling me what to do so I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO DO. Or I have ideas, but I don't have the confidence or ambition to make them real. I am scared of failing or that I'm not good enough, don't know enough, will never be like the others, all those others with their fast / happy / exciting / creative / interesting lives. I'm boring, and I know part of that is because I'm bored, and another because I don't tell stories, and more because I don't DO much, and that because I don't know what to do half the time or I resort to doing the same things that mean nothing to anyone but me (and sometimes not even that). And I'm trying to filter out everyone's noise, except I'm afraid there's nothing left without it. I'm afraid that maybe I really am empty. Why am I always needing to regather the bones of myself? Why does everything slip out so easily? I draw these incredibly huge blanks that I just don't understand. A person should be more put-together, no?

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Lunarian, Lunatic, or both..

Always moving in cycles, she
has circled back to ensnare me
once again. I am caught in her
lasso, braided beams of silver,
pulled ever closer; or mounted
by some lunar spirit, filled with
thoughts of Moon, seeking
Moon in every dark corner,
thirsty for Moon's milk,
loving the mystique of Moon,
deeply pleasured
by the cool touch of but
a sliver of Moon...
Oh, yes, she sings to me,
a Siren in the night sky,
And I am not resisting; I am
throwing caution and my hat to the wind,
letting my hair down, giving in to flights of fancy
- my wings have rested too long anyhow -
d  r  i  f  t  i  n  g
to Seas of Tranquility and Clouds and Nectar,
to Bays of Rainbows and Heats,
to Lake of Dreamers and Ocean of Storms.
As she dances
in light and in shadow,
across the bodies of star creatures,
through her twenty-eight mansions,
I pick up a step here and there,

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Say My Name

DISCLAIMER: This article has nothing to do with sex, and the Destiny's Child song was a mere afterthought.

A couple of days ago, when Nature gifted us the first spring teaser of the year, I seized the opportunity to take a stroll through my local park. Upon entering and for a long while, I perched on the wooden rail of a bridge crossing a narrow stream that opens up into a much larger body of water. There were geese and Mallard ducks lazing about on the nearby shore. A greater distance away, two park visitors entertained themselves (and me!) with a miniature remote-controlled speedboat. The water, quite turbid, also accommodated a discarded baby stroller, a tire, and two floating red barrels marked "DANGER". A steady breeze crimped the water's surface.

It was all very peaceful and allowed me to ease into a feeling of connection. I began to wonder at the name of this body of water, but not the name one would find on a map (which I now know is Conselyeas Pond). Are you Brookville? Mmm, neh. I eagerly reached out with my mind, getting just Water and then very briefly something like Lila (which I just discovered is a Sanskrit word with a rather interesting meaning). Too hazy to be conclusive.

Saturday, February 12, 2011


The dawn of this new year caught me off guard. I didn't feel prepared, or something. All the intentions I'd set just a few months ago went floating about aimlessly in the dark recesses of my subconscious mind. The past month in particular drew me into a familiar space of uncertainty and contraction. I wanted to let it all go, everything - though, interestingly, it was a rather calm sort of despair.